the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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