My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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