I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
