some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
