i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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