I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
