How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
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