I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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