I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
