Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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