my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
