I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
