Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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