So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
