I CAN MOONWALK!
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
