I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
