Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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