Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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