I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Randomize
