Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
