I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
