The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
