separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
They are going to name an STD after you.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
