I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
