just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize