Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
