I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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