She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
