3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I cannot find my penis.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I'm always down for nudity.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize