just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
