If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
It's shark week go big or go home
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize