I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
