I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
