i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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