You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i dont even know how to be here
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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