woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
