She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
a search helicopter?!
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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