i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
