I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Swine flu. Run for my life!
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
