I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I feel like a drive thru vagina
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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