I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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