just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
