Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
