Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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