Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
