All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
