dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
