Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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