someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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