Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
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