I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
