i need an iv and a liver transplant
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
