i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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