someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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