Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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