hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
