If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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