just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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