Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
