i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
