hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
