Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
