just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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