can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
