I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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